Five things Daniil Medvedev should eat instead

There I was, minding my own business in the Cincinnati Open mixed zone last month, when Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev started talking. Not to me, mind you. I was wallflowering, waiting for my interviewee to show up. He, the lanky tall former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev, had just finished his interview with Russian rights-holder Bolshe, and was finishing his media rounds with a the tournament social media team.

The pop quiz/stupid human trick of the day?

What's your favorite American snack?

Behold, the majesty of former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev's mind:

If you are a non-American, you may rightfully be asking yourself: "WTF is TUMS?"

And if you are an American, you may rightfully be asking yourself: "WTF, TUMS?!??!"

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And so, in the spirit of helping my fellow man, here are five things Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev should eat instead of TUMS.

SweeTARTs

I am quite the expert on this subject because I have never been a big chocolate person, which means I gravitate towards the fruity sweets. I also don't love a gummy – well, at least not THIS kind (just kidding mom and dad nevermind) – so that leaves a weird love for chalky or hard fruit candies.

The king of the chalky fruit candy? The tried and true original SweeTARTS. All the flavor and chalky texture of a TUMS (but better), without the weirdness of telling people you snack on antacids like a cranky old man in an 80s sitcom.

Smarties

But maybe our good man can't handle the tartness. Maybe that citric acid is what's upsetting his stomach so much that he considers a tub of TUMS his midnight snack. If that's the case, well do I have a solution for you.

Smarties! Every Gen X nerd's Halloween response to the "You are what you eat" allegations. Sucks to be you, Dum-Dum lovers!

Except you, Jessica Pegula. Your performative (kidddddding?) everyman-humility belies what I can only assume is a steady diet of 100 Grands and PayDays.

Get it? Cuz she's rich. DA FU SEASON IS NEARLY UPON US.

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ANYWAY. Where was I? Oh yes. Smarties. They're good! And cheap! And woman-owned (apparently?)! As a Girl Dad, you should love that, Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev!

Runts

Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev, what if I told you that you could have your chalk AND get a little hard-candy sweetness, all at the same time. Would you believe me?

Of course you would! Because you, a man of great culture and knowledge, would know that I was of course referring to the infallible Runts. How much did I love Runts? Let's just say everyone knew they could give me their bananas because Courtney was the only person in town who loved the bananas.

And before anyone even tries to start some nonsense: do not bother bringing Sprees to the candy debate. Sprees are trash. TRASH.

Fun Dip

Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev, do you prefer your candy to look like illicit drugs and tampons? You can say no.

BUT what an incredible feat of food science innovation and marketing, to create a product that basically says "Hey kid, make your own candy, we're too lazy." This is the Korean BBQ of candy. This is the Haidilao of candy. This is the box cake of candy, and much like a good box cake, it's awesome!

@theotherkendric It literally meltsss in your mouth. 😩 This my 2nd one ina week &a half.😭 #boxcake #cakemix #foodie #chocolatecake ♬ original sound - theotherkaee

I will be making this cake this week. I am very excited about it.

Anyway. BACK TO FUN DIP. I loved Fun Dip when I was a kid and I still love it now, even though we all know they changed the recipe 0n the sugar stick and it isn't as good as it used to . But what is!

Will this give you that chalky fruity crunchy vibe of a TUMS? Maybe? This is basically a deconstructed chalky candy. It is chalky candy if served by Wylie Dufresne. That's right, I am indeed making the argument that Fun Dip is ELEVATED CANDY.

Regardless, it's tasty, it's fun, it's dip. You might like it, Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev!

Razzles

First of all, let's set the record straight: I was pounding mouthfuls of Razzles way before they became a key plot point in one of the most beloved and underrated rom-coms of the century, starring Elektra and the Hulk. Razzles were indeed a thing well before that and I have nearly choked on many a Razzle.

I honestly have no idea how Razzles ever got approved to be sold as a food item to children. It is a chalky disc that crumbles in your mouth like chalky candy, but then, as you keep chewing – DO NOT SWALLOW THE CHALK KIDS – it turns into chewing gum.

But seriously, how many kids just straight up swallowed this stuff! And is the gum still sitting in their intestines like we were all told gum would? I have questions!

So Former No.1 Daniil Medvedev, you might like Razzles! I am not sure! But please do not let your daughter eat them until she is old enough to understand that America is lying to her. This shit is gum.

Conclusion

America has better snacks than TUMS, Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev, I promise. You could have picked one of our many potato chips – French Open Sun Chips are elite! – or our savory crackers – Cheese Its, Triscuits, Wheat Thins, hell, shoutout Chicken in a Biscuit! – or our diabetes-triggering smorgasbord of sweets, which I can't really help you on, though who doesn't love a Hostess powdered Donette?

I'm sorry your lost in the fourth round of the US Open today, Former No.1 Daniil Medvedev. That's not your fault. Frances Tiafoe literally unleashed the best level he's ever unleashed and you just happened to be at the butt end of it.

Hopefully you're having a nice steak dinner somewhere in Manhattan tonight, or maybe crushing some stroganoff, medovik, and vodka at Mari Vana's. The man deserves a night of excess.

If that's what he's up to, ok fine, yes, Former World No.1 Daniil Medvedev, you can have some TUMS.